I'm not a moody person. I woke up this morning and decided to kill myself. Now you must be thinking if a man wants to kill himself, well then he surely has a grand reason, he has thought it all through, he has reasoned his life is no longer of worth. As a matter of fact, I know perfectly well that my life is of worth and one could even, yes sir, one could even call me content. So why in the world did I wake up this morning and decide to kill myself? Yes sir, that is a great question!!
I'm 37 years old and I'm engaged to be married in two months. No I haven't told my bride yet that I'm going to be dead this afternoon - she wouldn't take it very well. I despise scenes and she would make sure to throw one - complete with hair pulling (I'm almost bald but she would grab onto the few scraps left like a tiger) and biting. What kind of person bites another person? An animalistic person. My fiance - she is a biter. As a respectable man, I have been forced to invest in especially long-sleeved shirts that go excessively over your wrists in order to hide the marks she leaves after our 'discussions.' But it's not her biting and the marks it leaves, nor the indignity of her hair pulling, that has lead me to this decision...no indeed. I'm perfectly content with her disgracing my figure.
I'm not a moody man but I am a curious one. Is that so bad? Of course not. Wait. That's a lie. I'm not curious, not about anything. I stopped being curious years ago. Last time I was curious and investigated a noise on the street, it ended with me going head on with a racoon that sprang from the trashcan like a super-racoon. I gave up curiousity for contentment. That's the problem. I'm content. So when the clock strikes midnight...here I come. I woke up this morning and content and that's why this afternoon - I'm going to kill myself.
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